The first touch

The first touch:

The first time the man laid his hands on me, I was confused.

I didn’t know what it was or what to do.

Of course it was only on top of clothing but…

Why is the man touching me in these places?

I’ve only started to learn about puberty..

Is this normal for the man to touch?

Maybe it will stop.

Being like any typical eleven year old, you’re still a child full of innocence. You’re not exposed or informed about the sexual life. When I was first touched by the man, I didn’t know what to think. Honestly, I really didn’t think much of it because he made me believe it was normal. But I never said a thing because I didn’t know it was wrong at the time. At that age, you’re still being nurtured and I felt that was all part of it. Also, I thought it was a one time thing. But guess what, I was wrong. I had a sense of insecurities but that man was the boss and I always obeyed and never fought back, in fear that something bad would come my way.

The night touches await:

The touching progressed over time

Initially it was over clothing

Then the man would slip

his hand right into the waistband

of my size small shorts

and then over

my not yet developed boobs

The memory of almost every night

The man would come

climb into my bed

lay there

and touch away…

no word was ever whispered

to leak into my innocent soul

and answer the question

of what to do

The continuance of the touching really had questions spilling into my mind but I wasn’t fully aware that the man’s actions were not okay. I would just lay there, in dead silence until he was finished and gone. The days were getting closer for his deployment and as sad as I was, I was also kinda relieved because that meant no more uncomfortable touching. There was a lot of preparation the man had to do before his deployment. I helped with the constant counting and packing up the big black boxes that would be his “dressers” for the next nine months of his life. Nine whole months without the man. How relieved, yet scared I was. At the time, I didn’t know his actions were wrong so he was still the man, the man I looked up to. The soon to be war hero, in the next nine months. All I cared about was hoping the man would have a safe tour through Iraq and would safely return back on American soil. The night before he left, I could never forget.

Night before war:

As usual, climbs into bed

slips his hands

under the clothing

but something different


He speaks to me for the first time

while his hands are on me

“I’m going to miss you so much”

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