Poisonous Love

Updated: Nov 9, 2021

Everyone has their own idea of what love is. We tend to fantasize love with those fairy tale stories we grow up hearing about where the prince finds his princess and they live happily ever after. Even telenovelas end with the perfect relationships. However, no one really talks about the addicting, poisonous love that seems to never end. When you mix poison and addiction together, you find yourself in a place where you know you need to stop but you can’t. Every little sip you take, the addiction gets stronger. The sips of promises of “I am going to change“ or “it’ll be different this time” fills your head with wishful thinking that they are telling the truth this time. Even if they brought you a lot of pain, a part of you wants to believe it. But it’s not just that one time. It’s every single time they feed those lies just to keep you around. It seems to be a never ending cycle.

I'm not embarrassed to say that I did get addicted to the poison with a past relationship. We were young and I thought that I could fix everything that was wrong so that we could be perfect for each other. I wanted to help but he didn't want to try. He was selfish. While I gave it my all and fed into the arguments of why I'm not a bad person or trying to defend myself from the derogatory name calling or the constant gas lighting... I lost myself. He drained every last bit of me and I allowed it. Every time I came close to leaving or even mentioning the idea of leaving, he would some how figure out a way to sweet talk me into staying. The biggest thing we argued about was alcohol. He allowed alcohol to consume him. It affected our relationship so much, there were times where I didn't recognize him at all. I was scared. I can't even count the amount of times where I had to leave to a place where I felt safe or went to bed alone, crying. I felt meaningless and I could not understand how someone could treat their S/O so horrendously. It all got to the point where I didn't recognize myself. My friends would tell me that I looked drained and unhappy. My mental and emotional health was at an all time low. But for some reason I allowed him to treat me that way. I allowed myself to be disrespected. I allowed myself to be verbally abused.

The point of view of outside looking in, it seems obvious to just leave that situation. But when you are the one that is actually in that situation, it's easier said than done. You're with that person because at some point you were in love with them. The love just turned into poison. You can give that person all the advice in the world but they need to come to a realization themselves that they don't deserve to be treated in such a malicious, abusive way. Whenever I would talk to someone about my relationship, I would defend him or I would acknowledge that I need to leave him. I just never followed through and kept giving him another chance after chance. For me, it took distance to realize that I deserved better. Not having him around made me realize that I needed to have enough respect for myself to walk away. And that is exactly what I did. Was it difficult? Definitely. Did I reconsider getting back with him multiple times? For sure. But stuck with my decision and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Leaving that toxic relationship left me with freedom to find myself again. To find happiness. To learn how to love myself. I learned how to recognize red flags of poisonous love. I don't regret getting into this relationship because it learned and grew from it. I only regret staying in it for as long as I did. With that, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Fight for you. The longest relationship you are going to have is with yourself. Don't let anyone drain you.

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